Antithesis.

A New Commentary on the Lord's Prayer (Part Four)

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“The urge to escape overwhelmed me. That’s always my default reaction. Not fight, but flight. ”

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I prayed the Lord’s Prayer today; not out of habit, but out of necessity.

The morning had started out well. I woke up to birds singing and the sun shining. As is my habit, I got out of bed, walked downstairs, and made a cup of coffee. Then I looked over at the dining room table and saw my 17-year-old son’s latest painting.  I knew that Sam had stayed up late to complete the work for his AP Art class. I was proud of him. So, I took a photo and texted it to extended family members. My pride grew as their response was rapid and glowing. 

My wife came downstairs to prepare Sam’s breakfast while we let him sleep a little bit longer. I sat down with my coffee in one hand and my Bible in the other, ready to pray. I realized how content I was. Everything inside of me, body, soul, and spirit was working together like a choir-everyone knew their place and together they were singing a lovely melody.  

With joy overflowing, I decided I would encourage my wife with a story from the headline news. It had lifted my spirits in these troubled times and I wanted to share the inspiration with her. She was busy getting everything ready for Sam and if I was going to tell the story before she and my son left for school, now was the time.

I wanted to tell the story really well so I began with a detailed description of the threatening situation which would be resolved in such an encouraging manner. But I was only halfway through the threat when my wife’s defenses shot up, “I don’t want to hear that!” she said in a firm voice empowered by anxiety produced by the story I was telling her.

And there it was. My weakness. Sudden upset and anger. It never fails to transport me back to my childhood days. Even though it is decades after the fact, whenever conflict erupts, I find myself back in my childhood room, surrounded by legos and action figures, listening to my parents and sisters arguing in the hallway, afraid. 

Now it had happened again. The harmony of body, soul, and spirit transformed into a cacophony of voices yelling, “It’s happening again! Your life is falling apart just like you knew it would!” 

The urge to escape overwhelmed me. That’s always my default reaction. Not fight, but flight. I walked upstairs to escape the conflict with my wife. But all of my emotions went with me. It is a stupid strategy, but I do it again and again. 

At the top of the stairs, I tried armchair psychology. If I can find the right words, a way to define the situation in a way that is less threatening, my inner Freud told me, I could restore my calm. But that strategy didn’t work either. The childish voices in my mind continued to assert my innocence, emphasizing how unfairly I had been treated.

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 “Time had quieted my emotions. It seems they can’t sustain their chorus for long. But their calm was deceiving. I knew this from experience.”

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So I went to my third strategy: food. “If I eat something sweet,” I told myself, “maybe I will feel better.” So, I went back downstairs, past my wife and son who were now having breakfast together, and grabbed something from the refrigerator. It had no effect. So I went into the pantry and looked for a treat I normally don’t allow myself. Before I even knew it the snack was in my mouth and swallowed without any change in my emotions. If anything I only added calories and guilt to the situation. 

I walked back upstairs and sat at the desk of my home office. Time had quieted my emotions. It seems they can’t sustain their chorus for long. But their calm was deceiving. I knew this from experience. All they are doing is restoring their strength for the next situation of upset and anger. 

I retreated further and further into my mind. I was alone. Alone with a choir of motley voices ready to break into another off-key shout at the least provocation saying, “See, you were right last time. You are the innocent victim. This is an injustice. Your life is so unfair.” 

My emotions are content to be alone with this cycle. They are ready to go around again and again and again. But I’m not.  So, I prayed for other, similarly aggrieved people, to join me. Surely they would understand and reinforce my point of view. But the prayer was half-hearted. I knew where it led. It leads to a life that is antithetical to everything I believe in. All this cycle can do is reinforce the wrong already too strong in our world. 

Softly, gently, words that I memorized in my childhood stepped into my mind, offering to lead me on a better path, into a way of life worthy of my aspirations, and I began to pray:   

Our Father who art in heaven, 

hallowed be thy name. 

Thy kingdom come, 

thy will be done, 

on earth as it is in heaven. 

Give us this day our daily bread; 

and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors; 

and lead us not into temptation, 

but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom, and the power and the glory forever. 

Amen.