Finding the Best of Life
Chapters of Life: Chapter Four
To live in love is to live an everlasting youth. Whoever enters old age by this royal road will find the last of life to be the best of life. Instead of finding himself descending the hills of life, he will find it up-hill all the way, into clearer air. There the vision reaches further; there the sunsets are more golden, and the twilights last longer. -Grandma Livermore1
I. Defining Chapter Four Through Story
My wife turned to the last pages of her Agatha Christie mystery. After thirty-eight years of marriage, I knew what she was up to. If the story in her paperback gets too intense, she calms her fears by taking a peek at the end. This is a great strategy not only for the joy of reading but also for the adventure of life.
I found myself turning ahead to the last pages of life when my wife and I were sitting at my father-in-law’s bedside, urging him to blow. Walter wasn’t only my father-in-law. This man, who had two degrees from MIT, a Master of Theology from Fuller Theological Seminary, and a PhD from Princeton, was also my role model and an ever-ready support in ministry. Now he needed my help and permission to blow his nose. As I watched him struggle with deep discomfort through the haze of pain medication, I was confronted with my own chapter four of life.
Chapter 4 is the closing chapter of our life, the time in which we face failing health and the narrowing of our lives. Yet it is also the season when we have the opportunity to spend more time focused on our relationships, especially our relationship with God.
While Walter has since passed away, the rest of our parents continue in their fourth chapter. This provides ample opportunity for me to reflect on life in this final chapter. My father, mother, and mother-in-law are over 90 years old. My stepmother, though younger, has also begun the fourth chapter. Each is dealing with a personal combination of issues related to aging. One keeps an incredibly positive attitude while dealing with all kinds of bone and joint issues as her bodily functions slowly diminish. Another has no joint issues but is frustrated by low energy levels and poor blood flow in the legs. Another is in amazing health overall, but challenged with the need to reduce outside commitments and slow life down. Still another bears the increasing weight of caring for her spouse. I don’t know the specifics of my fourth chapter, but each of their struggles has become a mirror, reflecting the inevitability of the struggles to come and the courage I will need to live the chapter well.
I don’t want to think too much about it, but as each chapter of life is meant to prepare us for the next, the third chapter is an opportunity to get ready for our own chapter four. I need to face reality, to learn from those who have gone before me, and to begin to get myself ready. I don’t know where to start, but Grandma Livermore’s wisdom gives me the focus I need. Only one thing really matters in the third and fourth chapters of life: to live in love.
II. Key Practices for Chapter Four of Life:
The source of love is our relationship with God. The goal, then, is to go deeper into that relationship. At the heart of our relationship with God are three practices: prayer, scripture reading, and acting on our faith. This year, there will be posts on each of these subjects. For now, here are some suggestions for each:
Prayer
Practice sitting calmly and quietly before God.
Pray daily for other family members.
Learn to listen for God. One time, I unexpectedly had an urge to talk to a couple. I resisted the urge and continued with what I was doing. Finally, I felt guilty and turned to approach them. They were gone. I had missed the opportunity. Another time I felt like I needed to look into selling a part of the family business. I hadn’t had that urge before, and I haven’t since. But I paid attention and made a sale that provided for my mother, my sister, and my own family. I’m glad I listened.
Scripture
Read Scripture daily.
Spend time meditating on relevant passages of Scripture, such as John the Baptist’s vision statement once Jesus had arrived: “He must become greater; I must become less.2
Action
Be intentional about reducing your own life. It seems that many people in chapter four don’t begin downsizing until their bodies or their family in chapter three force them. This isn’t good for anyone. It would be much better for all involved if the person in chapter four takes the initiative to give things away, reduce commitments, and slow life down to the essentials.
Build your courage by making the changes that trusted family members and caregivers suggest. Prepare yourself for the day that you will have to give up things you have been holding on to because those around you say it is necessary; things like driving, handling your own finances, or dreams you can no longer fulfill. None of this is easy. But it will build the courage you are going to need to makegoodhappen in your fourth chapter of life.
III. How to makegoodhappen in relationships with people in other chapters when you are in chapter four of life:
Work proactively and calmly with family members in chapter three of life.
Listen and ask questions of family members about their successes and struggles in chapter two of life.
Craft key family stories to share with family members who are in chapter one of life.
The overall goal is to be a role model for your entire family, knowing that they, too, sooner or later, will have to walk through the final chapters of their own life. Essential to this is finding ways to stay positive, quickly forgive, and to deepen your ability to love others.
IV. How people in other chapters of life can makegoodhappen with those in chapter four:
The goal for those in chapter three is to enable them to have the best final chapter possible.
Help them rediscover their self-esteem in a rhythm of life appropriate for them in chapter four.
Keep relationships strong with other family members so the shared coordination of support among family members is as friction-free as possible. Decide together on the help that is needed. Work out early on who will help with what tasks. Talk to each other regularly about the joys and frustrations of taking care of older relatives. Adjust as needed.
Develop many positive experiences with those in chapter 4, which will help with the difficult decisions (like giving up their car keys) when they become necessary. Schedule visits that are not about caregiving but just enjoying one another.
The goal for those in chapter 2 is to honor relatives in chapter four.
Honor them with regular family visits, especially with the grandkids.
Set limited-time visits to help them with technology, organization, cleaning, and repair.
The goal for those in Chapter 1 is to learn everything they can from those who have decades of experience to share.
Listen to their stories.
Apply their wisdom and avoid some of the mistakes they made.
Thank them by sharing what you’ve learned from them and how it made a difference.
Bonus: What does a faithful chapter four look like?
I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! -Paul of Tarsus3
Speer, Robert E., One Girl’s Influence, New Jersey: Frederic H. Andrews, 1915) pg 17-18
John 3:30
Philippians 1:20-22
Wise, very wise