In Praise of the Follicly-Challenged

A "Tongue in Cheek" New Commentary on 2 Kings 2:23-24

Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained in the way of righteousness. -Proverbs 16:31

The Bible, like the rest of the world, values human hair. Those of us who bear baldness turn to the Scriptures for solace but encounter instead a challenge that “haired-people” don’t understand. For example, the love poetry of the Song of Solomon gives no consideration to bald emotions as it describes luxuriant hair again and again. Then we read of Absalom, David’s son, described in the following manner: In all Israel there was not a man so highly praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the top of his head to the sole of his foot there was no blemish in him.¹ This description already hints at follicle-giftedness. But the next verse is just outright bragging: Whenever he cut the hair of his head—he used to cut his hair once a year because it became too heavy for him—he would weigh it, and its weight was two hundred shekels by the royal standard.² How can people who bear a bare scalp read the Bible without feeling bad about themselves?

We, the bald and Biblical, are excluded from the sign of grief in Micah 1:16:

Shave your head in mourning

for the children in whom you delight;

make yourself as bald as the vulture,

for they will go from you into exile.

“As bald as a vulture;” very nice.

The protection and security offered by the Scriptures miss us completely when we are told, many times, that “not a hair on our head will be lost.” (1 Samuel 14:45, 2 Samuel 14:11, 1 Kings 1:52, Daniel 3:27, Luke 21:18, Acts 27:34, etc.) We are excluded from the faith-building passage in Matthew where we are told that …even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. That isn’t saying much when you have as little hair as I have. As this passage continues, comfort for the follicly-challenged is further denied: So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. I have already lost my hair. What else is there to be afraid of?

Even God has hair when described as the Ancient of Days in the book of Daniel: As I looked, “thrones were set in place, and the Ancient of Days took his seat. His clothing was as white as snow; the hair of his head was white like wool. The New Testament reinforces this description in Revelation 1:14: The hair on his head was white like wool, as white as snow, and his eyes were like blazing fire.

Thankfully, there are some Scriptures the Bible-based baldy can turn to which soften the blow. Leviticus 13 encourages us by making it clear, not once, but twice, that we are not diseased:

• A man who has lost his hair and is bald is clean.

• If he has lost his hair from the front of his scalp and has a bald forehead, he is clean.

The Bible also makes it clear that having a full head of hair can be a source of unhealthy pride. Absalom, whose follicle productivity is so clearly highlighted in the passage above, is killed after his hair gets tangled in a tree limb.³ Samson’s hair gets him in all kinds of trouble thanks to Delilah.⁴ We, the bald followers of Jesus, are safe, at least, from this path that leads to death. The New Testament makes it clear that we have a “head start” in Biblical beauty: Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.⁵ No problem!

Most importantly, we can count a hero of the Old Testament as one of our own. In a short but powerful story, we learn that Elisha, who took over the mantle of Elijah, another great man of God, was himself follicly-challenged. His story is a must-read, even though the taunts he experiences may threaten to reopen old wounds. His defensive use of prophetic power is a source of encouragement for the close to 50% of men and 40% of women who experience hair loss.

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. “Get out of here, baldy!” He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.⁶

Finally, justice for baldies!

1. 2 Samuel 14:25

2. 2 Samuel 14:26

3. 2 Samuel 18:9-17

4. Judges 16:4-22

5. 1 Peter 3:3

6. 2 Kings 2:23-24